The Legend of the Deaf Lady

Last November, I had a rather interesting drive-thru experience.  I asked several times to take a customer's order, and got absolutely no response whatsoever.  The customer pulled forward, and so I figured I'd just take the order when she got to the window.

So she gets to the window and says, "I never heard anything back there, so I didn't know if it was OK to place my order."  From the way she says this, I can tell that she is deaf.  However, I still figure this shouldn't be too much of a problem.  Just take the order, hand it out, and all will be well.  So I ask for her order.

Turns out she wants 5 hamburgers, 4 cheeseburgers, several orders of french fries, etc.  And this is at 1:00 on a Saturday, the busiest time of the week, and other customers are waiting AGES for their food.

I still don't know how we managed to get her food out in time to keep the next customer from complaining.  But I do know that the legend of the deaf lady will forever hold a special place in fast-food lore.


Do You Have Chicken?

OK, really nice, intelligent-looking, smartly-dressed lady comes in.  She looks at the menu for several seconds.

"Do y'all have chicken?"
"Yes ma'am, it's right on the left-hand side of the menu."  It took all the self-control I could muster to keep from voicing my next thought--"right under the PICTURE of chicken."


I Want My Chicken!

One customer comes to the drive-thru speaker and asks for X number of wings, Y number of drumsticks...

"I'm sorry sir.  This is a hamburger place.  The only chicken we have is in strips of breast meat."

Honestly.  Since when did the sign on the storefront read, "Popeye's"?


Do You Serve Breakfast?

"Are y'all serving breakfast?"
"No sir, I'm afraid we don't have a breakfast menu."
"Well, that's good, cuz I don't want breakfast.  I want me some hamburgers."

O-kaaaay....


Do You Have Milk?

I cannot begin to count the number of times this conversation has happened.
"Do you have milk?"  (Note: occasionally milk is pronounced as a 2-syllable word: "mee-yulk.")
"No, sir/ma'am, we do not."
"Y'all don't have milk to drink?"
"No, sir/ma'am."


You Must Accept My Card!

There is only one payment situation more annoying than the customer who, without asking, shoves a debit card in your face, and unfortunately, it happens far too often.

"Do you take debit cards?"
"No sir/ma'am, we can only accept cash."
"Oh, ok.  Do y'all take a check?"


A Fast-Food Drink Cup Is Not a Thermos

OK, there's this one lady who always orders the same thing: a large french fry, a medium iced tea, and a large cup of ice.  And she always takes a rather long time to order it.  So I assumed she wasn't exactly the brightest leaf on the tree.  However, nothing could have prepared me for her request Saturday morning:

"Could y'all give me some extra lids, please?"
"Lids, ma'am?"
"Yes.  See, I've been tryin'a warsh 'em in the dishwarsher, and they don't come out too good."

The dishwasher?  She's been putting cheap, paper-thin, one-time-use drink lids in the dishwasher?!

"...Here are your lids ma'am.  Have a nice day."

Sometimes it's better just not to ask...


Filthy N-----r

Now this just ticks me off.  An African-American friend was working the cash register one evening.  I was getting ice in the back room to refill the ice bin, when she calls me to the window.  I assume a customer has arrived without my noticing and temporarily abandon the ice.  She tells me to give the customer her change, and I do so, although at this point I am quite confused as to what is going on.

Turns out when the lady was paying, she first shoved the money into my friend's hand.  Then she looks up, notices she's paying a black girl, snatches the money back, and puts it on the windowsill.  Afraid of catching Afro-germs, apparently.

You wouldn't think that in the 21st century people would be so racist.


If It's Not on the Menu, We Don't Have It

"Excuse me, do you have coleslaw?"
Coleslaw? "No, ma'am..."
"Oh.  Well, do you have creamed corn?"

Hmm.  She's obviously mistaken us for KFC, Captain D's, or somesuch.  Only one way to settle this...

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but this is a hamburger place.  I'm afraid the only vegetables we have are french fries."

Fortunately the nice lady was very understanding.  I was afraid I'd be yelled at.


I Just Want A Snack...

OK, first, a bit of background information.  What follows is a complete list, as it appears on the menu, of a customer's options concerning our chicken strips.

Tender Meal--4 pcs. of chicken, 1 order french fries, 2 cups sauce
Tender Meal COMBO--4 pcs. of chicken, 1 order french fries, 2 cups sauce, 1 medium drink
Tender Sandwich--2 pcs. chicken sandwich w/ 1 cup sauce
Tender Sandwich COMBO--2 pcs. chicken sandwich, 1 order french fries, 1 medium drink, 1 cup sauce
Tenders MEGA SIZE--20 pcs. chicken, 6 cups sauce

And this is what a customer asked concerning our chicken:

"Do you have a chicken tender snack?"

I proceed to describe the "Tender Meal" and remark that the "Tender Meal COMBO" is the same thing, plus a drink.

"Well, do you have just tenders, by themselves, as a meal?"

This sort of thing is why we have started to offer chicken individually for $.90 apiece.  That, and the questions about a 2-piece tender meal for kids...


When You Just Don't Want the French Fries

"I want a 4 piece tender meal with a Diet Coke."  It is quite common for our customers to order this way instead of saying "Combo" like the sign says to.  I blame the fact that 2 different meals have such similar names.

"All right, ma'am, I have a Tender Combo with a Diet Coke.  Is that correct?"
"I don't want the fries.  Can I get a tender meal without the fries?"
"Well, we sell the tenders individually for $.90 apiece."
"I'll take 5 tenders and a medium Diet Coke."

As I rang up her total, I was pleased to notice that the price for the lady's order was at least 60 cents more than if she'd just gotten the Combo in the first place.  I find that a just punishment for her ignorance.


The Signs, They Need A-Changin'

When Wendy's introduced their chicken strips, I got quite a chuckle from a sign in front of a Wendy's that I pass twice a week on the way to college.  The sign read as follows:

"NEW
HOMESTYLE
CHICKENS STRIP"

Must've been quite a show.

Improving Your Listening Skills

Why, oh why does this one ever happen?

"[repeats back order] Is that correct?"

"No, it's [same thing I just said, in as many words]!"

Define "Plain"

This one cracked me up.

"I want 2 plain hamburgers.  Just meat and bread."

We know what plain means, sir. "Anything else?" [meaning, any other items?]

"No, just meat and bread."

"Your total is ------.  Please drive around."

The Second Window

I'm surprised this one wasn't put up here before, since it's so ingeniously crazy, and happened so long ago.

Lady pulls up to the window, pays.  "This is my first time here--do I stay at this window to get my food?"

"Yes ma'am."  No, you pull up to the invisible 2nd window that should be there but isn't.

The Spit Cup

Some of the stories in the Chronicles are weird.  Some are stupid.  This one is just plain gross.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with chewing tobacco, it is not meant to be swallowed.  So many Southern hicks who chew or "dip" it carry around a small cup to spit it out into.  This is disgusting enough.  But one customer had in his cupholder, a giant 32-ounce cup, about two-thirds of the way full of spit-out tobacco and cigarette butts.  I didn't feel much like eating after seeing that.

Hang On, I Didn't Get That

Customer pulls up.  "Hi, can I take your order?"

"I'll have three--no wait, take that out and lemme start over."

Hold the Cheese

On our menu, #1 is a hamburger combo.  #2 is a cheeseburger combo.  Yet some people have difficulty understanding this simple system.

Case in point: "I'll have two #1's with cheese."  No matter how many times I called it back to him as a cheeseburger combo, he STILL kept ordering it like that.  Probably still does.

Sorry, We're Out

OK, we have the boxes of straws right there in the bloody window where you can see just how many we have.  If there is only a box of long straws, that means we are OUT of short straws.  I would even apologize and tell the customer that we were OUT of short straws.  But still:

"Can I get a shorter straw?"
"I'm sorry, ma'am, we're out of short straws right now, another shipment should arrive later today/first thing tomorrow."
At this point, the lady starts complaining about how she wants a shorter straw.  Even though among the pile of her kids' school supplies in the passenger seat, in clear view, is a pair of scissors.  Seriously, is there something so wrong with just cutting the end off?